Family Charged With Murder After Over Feeding Guests

Faisalabad, Pakistan: Police yesterday arrested Amir Dogar, his wife, and three children after they allegedly killed Mr. Wasim Jaffer and his family when they visited the Dogar house for dinner. An FIR was filed in the Jinnah District Thana by Mr. Jaffer’s brother when he found out that the Dogar family over fed the Jaffer family and forced them to eat all of their food.

Police confirmed that last night, Mr. Jaffer and his family arrived at around 9:00pm for dinner at the Dogar’s house for a routine ‘gup shup’ session, a respectable 45 min late from the scheduled start. They were served chai, which was followed directly by a plate of samosas and egg rolls. At around 9:40pm, the Dogar’s were served a second cup of chai, followed by a plate of sandwiches garnished with onions and jalebi. Despite insistences by Mr. Jaffer that his family would like to move onto the main course, his efforts proved futile when Mr. Dogar’s wife Jasmine brought out the final appetizer, a plate of pakoras and chicken corn soup, which allegedly went untouched.

After five minutes of mindless chatter about each other’s servants and inquiring about the health of each other’s family’s families, both families went to the dining room for dinner. In her confession to the police, Jasmine admitted spending two whole days preparing the meal, which including chicken briyani, aalloo gosht, saag, bhindi, palao, chicken karhai, lamb kabobs, brain masala, paiya, nihari, achaar gosht, aaloo paratha, bengin, and aaloo keema, to name a few. The FIR states that the Jaffer family took a small serving each, before politely refusing seconds. Allegedly Jasmine was insistent and went around putting a helping of each dish in everybody’s plate, and stood behind everyone to make sure that they ate their food. This cycle of refusal and forced eating carried on an additional seven times before there was no more food left from the main course.

By then the Jaffer family was too full to open their mouths to speak, and could not move their bodies out of the chair. However, at around 10:55pm Jasmine started to fill everybody’s mouths with ice cream, halwa, ladoo, and meethas. It is reported that by the time the halwa was brought out, Mr. Jaffer and his two sons had already died from over eating.

Police arrived at the scene several hours after the incident when Mr. Jaffer’s neighbors called the police. They were worried because the Jaffer’s had not come home. Police found a gruesome scene in the dining room, with Jasmine still putting food in her guests dead mouths. “This is a very common incident,” said Constable Junaid Abdullah. “However no real crime has been commited – Mr. Dogar and his family were merely just being good hosts, and are protected by tribal customs and codes. I am sure the court will agree.”

Tehrik-e-Taliban Tourism Minister Vows to Replicate Switzerland

In one of the first developments after taking power in Swat, the Tehrik-e-Taliban have established a 12 member cabinet in charge of implementing Sharia in the region. In a surprising move, the first cabinet minister announced was not of defense, interior or foreign – but tourism. According to one source who was part of the negotiations: “We understand that our survival is based on the economy, and it is important that we allow fellow freedom fighters to experience a Switzerland close to home, minus the scantily clad women.”

Haji Abdul Ghafoor Bisaami was the selected appointee, nominated and confirmed by the TeT Shura. Mr. Bisaami has been an active fighter for the Taliban and is renowned for his travels around the world, including to countries such as Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Iraq, Yemen and Iran. According to his spokesman, “Mr. Bisaami has analyzed the tourism infrastructure of all these countries and brings a wealth of knowledge from his extensive travels. He will make Swat a fighter’s paradise”.

To attract tourists from all over the region, the Taliban are planning to provide state of the art recreational facilities. The Shura has already approved a five star luxury hotel that will be built just outside of Mingora. In order to make room for the hotel, four girl schools will be blown up. The hotel will include world class wuzu facilities, free spas and massage facilities for jihadis serviced by young males, and a state of the art auditorium for business meetings. Other activities under consideration include a trek through Tora Bora, hijabungee jumping, burka skiing, and other outdoor adventures. For children, blowing up schools and dragging dead bodies through the streets are on offer as well.

With the intention of attracting people from all backgrounds, the Shura has also approved a ‘burka optional’ beach. This will be a secluded private area on Satpara Lake, where women will be allowed to enjoy fresh air without feeling uncomfortable or restrained under the burka.

President and PM Hold Meeting to Decide the Subject of Next Meeting

Islamabad, Pakistan: Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani and President Asif Ali Zardari today met to decide on the next meeting’s agenda. Our sources from the Presidency confirmed that the meeting lasted for over two hours. It is rumored that President Zardari decided to forgo his trip to Dubai in order to reconcile with the Prime Minister.

However, the President’s spokesman denied that there were any differences between the two. The spokesman said that the President and the Prime Minister just had a slight “miscommunication” regarding the amount of time that they should spend in the next meeting. The spokesman did mention that because of the departure of Sherry Rehman, there have been a hoard of rumors flying out of the President’s house, none of which are true. “The departure of Sherry Rehman has not led to an increase of sexual tension between the President and Prime Minister. Also, it is complete rubbish that Mr. Zardari had proposed to Mrs. Palin, Governor of Alaska. Their relationship is completely professional,” retorted the spokesman after a question from the media. It was later confirmed that the agenda set for the next meeting included an English lesson by President Zardari for Prime Minister Gilani. Given the Prime Minister’s rising status as a star, the President thought that the Prime Minister should brush up on his English speaking skills.

When the Prime Minister emerged from the meeting, there was a leash around his neck, prompting an outcry from the public. When asked about the leash, the Prime Minister said that “The President and I thought of a creative way to keep me in line.” President Zardari emerged from the President’s house a few steps after Prime Minister Gilani, holding on to the leash. “Wait till I cross-breed him with an Irish Bulldog,” remarked the President.

Miranshah Supreme Sharia Court – Weekly Roundup

Dr. Maulana Philauna earned his Bachelors degree in Islamic Studies from Mount Holyoke University, his Doctorate in Women Studies from Smith College and obtained his L.L.M. from LSE (Lahore School of Economics). Dr. Maulana Philauna is the author of two New York Times best sellers, including the Pulitzer Prize winning “Haraam Whore.” He was a life coach for Paris Hilton before becoming a senior consultant for the Pakistan Hockey team. In addition to being a regular contributor to Fox News, Dr. Maulana Philauna is a regular guest on Indus TV and has helped countless people in there never ending quest for justice. Recently, the Taliban appointed Dr. Maulana Philauna as Chief Justice of the Miranshah Supreme Court.

Here’s a weekly roundup of the cases heard at Chief Justice Maulana Philauna’s Supreme Sharia Court:

In Bilal Khan v Mariam Khan, Bilal accused his sister of winking at a passing stranger, Mr. Anjum. Mr. Khan alleges that while accompanying his sister to the market, his sister winked at Mr. Anjum beneath her burka in a flirtatious manner, which caused Mr. Anjum to smile. Mariam was adamant that because it was windy outside, some dust blew into her eye, which caused her to shut her eyelid. Chief Justice Maulana Philauna and his grand jirgra, after reviewing the evidence, ruled in favor of the defendant, citing Ibrahim Ansari v Reema Ansari as precedence for this case. However, Chief Justice Maulana Philauna did order Mr. Anjum to spend three months in the local thana and receive 30 lashes for smiling back flirtatiously.

In Zubair Khalid v Aleem Yaqoob, Mr. Khalid accused the defendant of playing loud music during Maghrib prayers. The accused was allegedly driving his rickshaw at 6:30 PM and listening to his cassette player during the azaan. Mr. Yaqoob was on his way to the mosque when he noticed the accused driving around in the sabzi mandi, instead of being at the mosque. In his defense, Mr. Khalid claimed that it was not him driving the rickshaw, but that it was actually his nephew. When brought to the stand, his nephew denied these claims, saying that he is a pious Muslim and would never be driving around during prayer time. After listening to the testimony, Chief Justice Maulana Philauna and his grand jirga convicted Mr. Khalid on three counts, including driving during the azaan, not praying during Maghrib, and playing music during prayer time. Mr. Khalid was sentenced to life imprisonment.

Finally, in Taliban v Ahmed Muhammad, the Taliban accused Mr. Muhammad of not keeping the minimum length of four inches for his beard. Mr. Muhammad claimed that he had a hormonal deficiency that caused his beard to not grow properly. However, Chief Justice did not allow any DNA testing, citing time and cost delays. The prosecution also displayed evidence of Mr. Muhammad’s flimsy devotion to Islam, citing character flaws and using testimony of people who have prayed next to him, saying that his eyes often wander and that his nose never touches the ground during sajda. After a short consultation with the grand jirga, Mr. Muhammad was found guilty of impeding justice and for lying in court.

Privatization Commission puts PM House up for Sale

The Privatization Commission today put the Prime Minister House up for privatization. This drastic move has come after the State Bank yesterday confirmed Pakistan’s foreign exchange reserves to be at an all time low of $56,487.9. The State Bank confirmed that the reserves are just enough to cover imports for the next “few hours”. By the time this story went to press, Pakistan will have defaulted on all their foreign exchange reserves.

Federal Minister for Privatization Naveed Qamar confirmed that the commission has put the PM house up for sale. In an interview with Dhoom TV, Mr Qamar said that the government is trying to “cut down on all unnecessary departments and red tape…and the sale will also generate much required foreign exchange.”

The PM House, according to some political analysts, is worth around Rs. 1,000,000,000 and includes gold plated lotas in every bathroom (including in the servant quarters), two mosques, several life size portraits of Benazir Bhutto in every room, and escalators. The PM House was designed in 1968 by renowned graphic artist M.C. Escher, which explains the dizzying effect that residents feel when walking up and down the stairs. Mr. Qamar told Dhoom TV that President Zardari has approved the sale of the house and believes that the PM can reside in an “extra” bedroom (with an attached bathroom) in the President House. “This way, I can keep a close eye on him and even have sleep overs!” As the President and the PM will reside in the same residence, many political analysts believe this will reduce red tape, reduce the cost of phone bills, and reduce intraparty conflict.

The ad was published in major newspapers around the country and many technocrats, feudal lords, foreign governments and mullahs have expressed a keen interest. Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani, who is currently on a personal trip to London, refused to comment on the sitatuion.

Influx of Celebrities Visiting Refugee Camps in Peshawar

Peshawar, Pakistan: Afghani refugees in Peshawar continued their struggles this past winter in finding food, shelter, and warmth. However, after the visit of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt this past month, refugees can find hope in the increasing influx of Hollywood celebrities in the area. Following the trend of Angelina Jolie, the likes of Avril Lavigne, Kate Hudson, and Johnny Depp have all visited various refugee camps this past month, bringing much needed joy to the refugees.

In an interview with Maila Times, Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt said that they enjoyed their time in Peshawar, and will continue to fight for humanitarian rights in the region. Asked about the possibility of adopting more children, Mr. Pitt exclaimed: “Of course we will adopt more babies from Peshawar as our family grows. I love those little kids with green eyes, they’re so cute!” The couple have already adopted eight children from the area, and have inspired other celebrities to do the same. “That’s hot,” said socialite Paris Hilton, who herself plans on visiting Peshawar soon after she finds it on a map. “I’ve been trying for a while, but I think it’s next to India in Africa. I’ll find it soon, don’t worry.”

In addition to the hope of being adopted, children of the refugee camps are also finding inspiration from watching Hollywood movies. In a makeshift movie theater set up by Seth Rogen, Afghani children were bedazzled after watching the movie ‘Superbad,’ which was shown to educate them about the life of young people in the United States. Irfan Pershaj, an eight year old boy who lost his family in a rocket attack two years ago, said with a smile after the movie: “Meec-lovwin! I want to drink Goldflake too!” When asked, many young refugees hoped that they would some day be in a Hollywood movie about their refugee camps, similar to the movie ‘Slumdog Millionaire.’ “We’re so much cuter than those Bombay slum kids. Not only are we poor – we’re orphaned from war! That will win you more Oscars, guaranteed,” explained Jasmine Heerat, a five year old orphan at the camp.

During his trip to the camps, Johnny Depp said that celebrities are not afraid of the Taliban or militants who target Westerners. He also donated a whopping $2 one of the refugee camps to help out. The Refugee camp director was pleased with the donation, saying that he will now be able to feed an additional five people for a month with the Rs. 150. “I just want to help out any way that I can, you know. It’s a shame that they are closing these camps down. From where will celebrities adopt their precious little children?” asked the Hollywood star. It was learned by Maila Times that Mr. Depp was arrested by custom officials at Peshawar’s airport when it was found that he had six pounds of opium in his suitcase. Mr. Depp’s representatives could not be reached for comment on the incident.

Zardari Signs “Zardari Protection Act” into Law

Islamabad, Pakistan: After a unanimous vote in both the Parliament and Senate, President Zardari signed into law the “Zardari Protection Act,” effective immediately and termed to expire at the death of the President. The “Zardari Protection Act” forces all males above the age of 14 to grow a mustache, so as to confuse would-be potential assassins. President Zardari last week said that the passage of the bill would ensure his safety, and said that “after the death of Shaheed Benazir Bhutto, Pakistan cannot survive if I am also murdered. Pakistan’s political, economic, and cultural survival is directly related to my own.”

There was widespread jubilation on the streets all around the country when news broke out of the passage of the “Zardari Protection Act.” People of all ages jumped with joy sporting their stylish mustaches. There were reports of young boys wearing clip on gray mustaches, while women decided not to wax their facial hair to commemorate President Zardari. Aisha Malik, a banker at the Benazir Bhutto Bank, took her three children to Jinnah National Park to celebrate. “I would give my body and soul for the protection of our president, and if that means that I have a hairy upper lip, then so be it.”

Not everyone was enthused by the passage of the law, however. The National Attractiveness Agency (NAA), the Pakistani watchdog agency in charge of tabulating the attractiveness of the nation, was outraged by the passage of the “Zardari Protection Act.” Tariq Naeem, head of the NAA, claimed that “with mustaches being out of style and with our women already being hairy enough, our attractiveness is going to go down, which as a result increases the relative attractiveness of Indians. How can we compete with them now?” While acknowledging that the protection of the president is of utmost importance, Mr. Naeem still feels that the best way to fight terrorism is not by growing mustaches, but by beautifying our people, both on the outside and in the inside.

The “Zardari Protection Act” states that all mustaches must be at least four inches long, with a 30 – 70 percent ratio of gray and black hair. A special police task force established by the act will be patrolling the country to make sure that everyone’s mustache meets the stipulated requirements. The task force is equipped with trimmers, color dye, clippers, and mustache combs to help carry out their duty. The bill will allot Rs. 5 Billion to fund the enforcement of this law.

Taliban spokesman said that while they are happy that more men and women are growing facial hair, their assassins will not be deterred by the new law. The Taliban claim that their assassins are well trained in distinguishing between hair types, and that they can never mistake Zardari’s signature smile “topped by that bushy, French couture upper lip” for anyone else’s.

Inzamam Hired as English Coach for Cricket Team

Lahore, Pakistan: The Pakistan Cricket Board has hired former captain Inzamam ul Haq as the English language trainer for the national cricket team. Inzamam’s new contract leaves him in charge for the upcoming tour against Australia, after which his performance will be evaluated. Maila Times has learned from its sources that Inzamam is terminating his contract with the ICL in order to take up his new assignment.

PCB Spokesman Aamir Sohail said that “Inzamam is the best man for the job, and given his incredible experience with post match ceremonies, we feel that Inzamam will be able to whip the boys in time for their upcoming tour.” Inzamam has racked up an impressive English vocabulary of 84 words, has spoken twenty compound sentences, has used nouns ahead of verbs in over half of his statements, and has a Pakistani cricket record of speaking three full sentences with absolute correct syntax.

At a hastily arranged news conference outside Gaddafi Stadium in Lahore, Inzamam said “First of all, I would like to thanks to the Allah for this job. Boys did good to choose me and thanks to Allah I perform. Australians I make speak like them and tell boys to smile and make Pakistan proud, inshah-Allah.” Inzamam went on to say that he was initially confused because he had thought that he had been appointed to be the coach of the English cricket team. “Yes, I very excited first about going to London and coaching English team they have tricky pitch and swinging ball but don’t mind I happy to serve my country.”

Inzamam plans to take the team to Abbottobad for an intensive two week language course that involves learning the alphabet, speaking without an accent, and learning to “say something cute and smile” if you don’t understand the question. Inzamam made note that Ramiz Raja won’t always be around to help bail out the players.

President Defends Government’s Performance

Islamabad, Pakistan: In a hastily arranged press at the newly opened Marriott in Islamabad, President Asif Ali Zardari defended his government’s record and told the assembled media to wait till the end of the year before passing judgments on its performance. “We are the most successful government in Pakistan’s history. We inherited a weak base from Musharraf and have worked hard to correct this. We have ensured that the rupee has made massive gains against the dollar, and brought billions of dollars in foreign investment from the IMF.”

Zardari also denied reports that he was too stubborn to seek help from his advisors and paid tribute to his team of advisors. “If you have studied history, you would know that in the First World War, Hitler was too stubborn to take advice from his associates. This allowed his enemies Napoleon and the Great Alexander to come together and defeat him. I will not let the same happen to my government.” When a local journalist then pointed out the irregularities in this statement, Zardari had him escorted from the hall, calling him a “stateless actor bent on reversing the revenge of democracy.”

Zardari went on to describe the government’s strong international support from the United States and Alaska, “two countries that we can rely on.” When the same reporter pointed out the president’s mistake, Zardari had security personal escort him out.

New Biological Weapon Frustrating Coalition Troops

Chaman, Pakistan: Coalition forces patrolling the porous Afghan-Pakistan border near Quetta are continuing their frustrating search for a mysterious WMD called “Allah ka Marzi,” which doctors claim to be the cause of over 80% deaths in the region. This WMD, better known as ‘God’s Mercy,’ to people in the West, has eluded terrorism and biological experts for years now, with its origin and causes remaining unknown.

General Patterson of the 4th Brigade and his unit have been searching for this WMD for over six months now, but feel that their search has left them going in circles. Wearing gas masks and sporting camouflage biohazard suits, General Patterson’s Brigade has searched long and hard in the Bajour and Khyber Agencies, searching in towns such as Thoda China and Dera Mithi for the weapon. “It has been frustrating, but we’re keeping our hopes up. We can’t let the terrorists use this weapon to terrorize the citizens of the beautiful region.”

Visits to local hospitals demonstrate the widespread death caused by the WMD. Local doctors and nurses have no cure for the disease, but believe it to be both an airborne and water spread disease. Strangely, however, doctors claim that “Allah ka Marzi” has been around for thousands of years, but acknowledge that terrorists have been able to cultivate and manipulate it for their own use. Dr. Amir Khan, head of gynecology at Benazir Bhutto Hospital in Parachinar, says that there is no known cure for those individuals who have been affected by the disease. “In my twenty years practicing medicine, I have never cured a patient affected by the disease,” says Dr. Khan. “It’s up to God’s will if the patient survives.”

President Obama announced yesterday that he is releasing over $80 million in additional funding for General Patterson’s team, enough to sustain them for the next four years. “The War on Terror cannot be won without getting to the bottom of this AKM WMD – we better find it, or the terrorists will win.”

PM Announces Benazir Bhutto Stimulus Plan

Islamabad, Pakistan: On the steps of the Prime Minister’s house, Prime Minister Gilani announced plans for an economic stimulus aimed to relieve the economic hardships for the average Pakistani. This stimulus plan, called the Benazir Bhutto Stimulus Plan (BBSP), will be based roughly on the 2008 stimulus plan of the United States, where qualified citizens will receive cash bonuses from the Treasury Department.

After a marathon two day meeting, members from the State Bank of Pakistan, Ministry of Finance and Ministry of Economic Development revealed their plan to the Prime Minister, the President, and his advisers this morning. Details of the stimulus package have not been revealed but Maila Times has received an exclusive leaked copy of the proposed package. Those who qualify can receive a tax break and a bonus of Rs 500,000. According to the proposal, individuals must meet the following criteria:

– Can prove that they voted for PPP in the 2008 election
– Has a ministerial post in the federal government
– Owns at least two cars, of which one is a foreign luxury vehicle
– Has a child studying in an Ivy League university in the United States
– Has at least a 30% stake in any national industry

In the report obtained by Maila Times, the financial advisers who published it feel that those who meet the above-mentioned requirements cover a broad sector of the public. It is hoped that they will re-invest in the country, leading to Macro-economic growth. “This trickledown effect will make the average Pakistani richer and will enable them to buy basic goods such as aata, sugar, and ghee,” explained Gilani. He added that rebates check will arrive in the summer, warning the public that they should not evade paying their taxes so that there is enough money for the BBSP.